When I'm about to die, I'll look back on nights like these and not be sad that I'm leaving this selfish ugly world. Nights like these will trump birthday dinners and San Francisco 4th of July.
After struggling for 25 minutes to get my bike unlocked, the U-lock finally came apart. As I rode home, hot tears running down my chilly face, I thought, "I know who would've come out to ask me if I needed a hand..."
Then I realized a major fact: I haven't dated anyone who hasn't disgusted me in some huge way since we were together. Shame on me for not knowing that you were the best. In that moment, I felt that I would've murdered the whole world if that meant that I could stay with you and you'd keep on loving me like you did. I thought of your smile, and your smell...your fresh breath in the morning. I pedaled and pedaled, feeling more and more empty.
I wish love would fill me as completely as regret does. I wish I could feel contentedness as intensely as I feel trapped.
I wish I wasn't crying. Tomorrow, my eyes will be all swollen when I look at you again...possibly for the last time ever. I hate that tomorrow is that day. I wish I could stand in front of you proudly, unashamed of what I've become without you. I'll probably tell you about tonight. Maybe I'll look at you and tell you that you would've helped me, and you'll say, "Of course I would have."
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