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[icon] Anna
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Subject:Of Course
Time:10:55 pm
When I'm about to die, I'll look back on nights like these and not be sad that I'm leaving this selfish ugly world. Nights like these will trump birthday dinners and San Francisco 4th of July.

After struggling for 25 minutes to get my bike unlocked, the U-lock finally came apart. As I rode home, hot tears running down my chilly face, I thought, "I know who would've come out to ask me if I needed a hand..."

YOU.

Then I realized a major fact: I haven't dated anyone who hasn't disgusted me in some huge way since we were together. Shame on me for not knowing that you were the best. In that moment, I felt that I would've murdered the whole world if that meant that I could stay with you and you'd keep on loving me like you did. I thought of your smile, and your smell...your fresh breath in the morning. I pedaled and pedaled, feeling more and more empty.

I wish love would fill me as completely as regret does. I wish I could feel contentedness as intensely as I feel trapped.

I wish I wasn't crying. Tomorrow, my eyes will be all swollen when I look at you again...possibly for the last time ever. I hate that tomorrow is that day. I wish I could stand in front of you proudly, unashamed of what I've become without you. I'll probably tell you about tonight. Maybe I'll look at you and tell you that you would've helped me, and you'll say, "Of course I would have."
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Subject:At a loss
Time:01:28 am
It's strange to be sad about so many things that you don't know which one to think about when you have tears rolling down your face.
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Subject:Addition
Time:11:48 am
this is how it is:
my life is all in pieces
and I grab at things
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Subject:the big D
Time:08:31 pm
I'm eating brownie mix and watching greenberg

please paint me a sadder picture of depression

because it would be more hilarious
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Subject:Left
Time:07:13 pm
I hate myself for getting here
Getting left here
Letting you lead me here to leave me
Loving you, hating you
Never wanting to see you
And having to see you every day
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Subject:Happy Birthday
Time:06:30 pm
I was going to carve pumpkins today, but then I realized it wouldn't have been fun alone. Also, I wish you didn't believe in Jesus. Maybe someday you won't and we can hang out again. Happy Birthday.
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Subject:I had the right words before I fell asleep
Time:07:28 pm
And though they've left me now, I have to make sure you know that the guilt I feel is breaking me down.. I think about you more and more often lately, and want to tell you I was an idiot. Blaming you was a big mistake. I threw what we had away and it's been almost a year now, and my words aren't reaching you as they should. I feel they need to.

Now that I'm here, I wish I could go back and stand in that parking lot one evening when you get out of work just so I can feel that you're walking out to see me for a second. Wishing I would've taken that chance to see if I could be forgiven.

I wonder if you are doing something I can't seem to do...love someone new. So I'm going to write you a letter to apologize and hope that you forgive me.
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Subject:Did I run away too soon?
Time:02:20 am
I've tried it here. I've tried to love here. I've tried to live the dream and I'm failing. Miserably. I'm miserable because I'm failing at loving him. Can't blame him either. He's great, but my heart wants you so it doesn't mean a thing. Everything in me misses everything about you. I can't pretend or convince myself otherwise and now I have to live with it... How will I ever be happy without you?
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Subject:Love.
Time:07:45 pm
Since the moment I saw you, I knew that I was wrong about the world.

I love you in the eternal way... the way that surely tells you it's real and you know it. I've realized now that I was wrong. This love tells you who the real one is when you realize you've failed to love another.

I knew it was real when it was tragic.
Sorry for taking this long, lovely man.
This world told me to love you and I've finally said "Yes."
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Subject:alternate ending
Time:12:48 pm
I had a dream this morning that I was leaving
moving to California

but I found you under a blanket.

you looked up at me
I held you
and I didn't go.
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[icon] Anna
View:Recent Entries.
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You're looking at the latest 10 entries.
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